Dear Channing Tatum,
Although we have never been formally introduced, I wanted to reach out to you and let you know what an impact your work in the recently released, Magic Mike XXL (MMXXL), has had on me. My name is Krystal Marie Collins, I am 31.67 years old on the 23rd of July (picture enclosed for your reference), divorced and single, currently living in Wanaka, New Zealand, where I viewed the aforementioned film on Friday at the Paridiso with 4 of my friends (Emi, Aggie, Vibeke, and Loui). The timing couldn’t have been better because a few days before I saw MMXXL, I received a rejection text, or a rejext, as I like to call it, from someone who I’d been on a few dates with, but inevitably wasn’t interested in me, and it was nice to have the film to lift my spirits.
Some of the scenes that I most fancied were the ones where you danced. You are an amazing dancer. When you heard ‘Pony’ on the radio while working in your man cave and spontaneously broke into grinding moves the likes of which I have never seen, I thought perhaps you were a god sent to Earth with the explicit purpose of satisfying women. Did you instinctually know all those moves at birth or did some sort of other demi God feed you a potion or teach them to you?
In another scene you dance for Jada Pinket-Smith at her house of pleasure. You initiate the dance by doing a high jump over another dancer and as you’ve done often, do this female tackle move where it appears something dangerous is happening, but in the end, you hold the participant up-side-down, her private parts landing safely in your face and no one injured. You proceed to perform this move on several more lucky ladies. What do you call it in the script? How did the choreography come together so seamlessly? Where any injuries ever sustained?
The crescendo was the last scene where you danced in unisin with another male entertainer (played by tWich), each for your own women, with a set staged to emulate a mirror image. Not only was the timing out of this world, especially with the chosen style, brake-dancing fused with grinding and other modern hip-hop moves, the foreshadowing was a perfect set up. Several clips before, you are in the kitchen with this cute love interest you have flirted with the length of the movie, she is eating cake and she offers you some. You say you’re more of a COOKIE guy, oreos, specifically. Then, fast forward to the mirror image set, the cute love interest is seated, and the sound track begins. Starting with ‘Anywhere’ by 112 (who doesn’t love slow jam revivals from high school- how many high school dances did I hear this song at, a million), your fluid muscle isolation moves are displayed nicely here. Then moving to ‘All the Time’ with Jeremih and Lil’ Wayne things get straight naughty, just listen to those lyrics. And the final kill, ‘COOKIE’ by R Kelly brings the whole last dance together, though I am inclined to think metaphors like COOKIE, cookie jar, and oreo represent other subject matter… I’m not going to lie, I immediately went home and downloaded all three songs on a boot leg app that converts YouTube clips to MP3’s and proceeded to listen to the songs on repeat while scrubbing toilets and mopping floors at the helicopter hanger where I work the following morning. It was the best day of cleaning ever.
The only down side to having experienced this cinematographic wonder, is that, I fear no one will ever live up to the expectations you have set…Alas. However difficult it will be to find someone like you who is real, and likes me back, now I know what to do when my next rejext comes through, fire up the lap top and chuck on a torrented copy of MMXXL. I appreciate the opportunity to thank you for your work and I look forward to seeing what you come out with next. If you happen to find yourself in Wanaka, let me know, or alternatively, I can make myself available to fly to any location at anytime for the rest of my life, if you want to host. I’ll bring the COOKIES. Please find my details enclosed. I love you. Ta.
K. Collins, geologist at large, aspiring male entertainer reviewer